Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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