i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
