Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
