I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
