It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
