Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Your penis caused this!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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