enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
