so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
