OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
