I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
