best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
