you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
