the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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