If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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