Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
