I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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