Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
