I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
