I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
