he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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