I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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