I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
