pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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