Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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