So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
