I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
