She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Shame is for Republicans.
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