It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Michael Bay diarrhea
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
