I want you more than these girls want KFC
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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