you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
