The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
