Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
