i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
