This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
