I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
