Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
