I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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