so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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