i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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