I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
