I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
