I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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