from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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