I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
