What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
