shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
