I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Congratulations! We have a period
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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