Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
