All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
