8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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