My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
