As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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