Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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