There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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