Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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