I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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