Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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