i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
