Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
