I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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